| Infatuation Phenomenon |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|01:18 am] |
When you meet a girl for the first time, everything is so exciting. She seems perfect in many ways and the first few outings of getting to know each other are like magic. The best feeling is after you conclude the enchanting evenings. You go home and think about that person while lying in bed. Then you feel these butterflies and weak in the knees feeling. Every morning when you wake up, there's something to think about and keep you happy. Your time together from there are continues to be magical and fun, everything seems perfect and as you get to know each other, the attachment grows deep, emotional and physical.
Well then after a month, you grow tired of the other person. You find her faults and annoying traits. You dread her name as it appears on the caller id. You become impatient when conversing and begin to realize everything you liked her about, and any kind of future you planned, needs to be quickly dissolved. You were foolish to feel that way and then begin to wonder how it all happened in the first place. She may begin to feel the same way, you grow silent and idle. At this point, when you do spend time with each other, you can behave more irrationally and "mean" to her and see how she reacts. But unfortunately she merely becomes sad but not angry. Now you hurt her for no reason and validate your assholeness. So now you just don't communicate with her and hope everything just goes back to normal, the days before you ever knew each other.
But now you are lonely and realize how lucky you were to even have someone to date. You're miserable and feel stupid. You grow desperate. Your only hope is a new semester...and then the cycle seems to just repeat itself. |
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| New Mission |
[May. 21st, 2005|08:14 pm] |
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I must master the art of bettering myself without others getting jealous. How to have sluts and money & have people admire you instead of envy/hating your every move. I think the key that many successful people know is that one must not present a state of competition with that of peers and through passive and non-combative behavior does a candid humble guise surface. I'm sick and tired of certain people being jealous ass haters of everything I have, but rather than dumping them or trying to change them, I'll change myself, enjoy the satisfaction of success in solitude for that will derive potentially greater pleasure. In time the envious sinners will grow old and no longer hide behind their distorted view of the world, to meet and greet their fate. Life's a bitch and I've been trying to warn them... |
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| Anticipation |
[Apr. 18th, 2005|09:28 pm] |
Since I last wrote an entry, a lot of stuff has happened in my life. I think the most prevalent addition will have to be my new job. One night I was sleeplishly browsing through Cnn.com as usual, reading every current event when I got an email from the GSU School of Accountancy. It was a position with Leeworth Mortgage for a part-time job. I met all the requirements so I immediately emailed them my resume and cover letter. Well I got a phone the next day and my future boss, John Lee, set up an interview for the following day. During the interview I was very relaxed and customed tailored my answers perfectly. I really believed that I impressed them. And holy cow, 30 minutes after I left, they called me and decided to hire me. It was one of the happiest and shocking days of my life because I went from being a total jackass MWF (no class, no job, sleep till 3pm) to being employed with a reputable organization. I also couldn't believe that they would hire me just like that, I mean we're not talking about McDonalds. Anywho I have been working there ever since (every MWF, about 23 hours per week). I have two bosses and they're both really cool and nice to me. Troy is my direct boss and he's probably the best guy you could ever work for because he's really respectful and calls me sir and says thank you all the time. My other boss is so freakin rich he's got to be worth like $20 mill or more. He has an AMEX BLACK CARD!!! I know I sound lame but these are the entrepreneural successful role models I've been lacking. Anyways they said after I finish my training in 60 days they'll give me a raise. Woo-hoo!
Another major change is my condo situation. I decided to purchase a one-bedroom unit at Art Foundry in Atlantic Station. Originally my friend was gonna buy it but the contracts fell apart. Well I swooped in ASAP. The unit is priced at $171,000 but other people are already selling identical units for over $200,000 and I've heard estimates that it'll be worth as much as a quarter mill after Atlantic Station is complete and the retail establishments have opened. So this was a major investment decision on my part, and of course I'm all about taking risks. Im doing a 80/15/5 loan, my mom gave me like 5% and I'll pay her back after I sell in a couple years and of course with interest. The place is so damn nice. The only problem I have now is that my monthly expenses will basically double. So I have two choices, pray that I get a raise or start playing online poker again. I am so cocky, but I think that after almost 10 years of poker, I am at the level just under the best pros in the game. If I play optimal poker, I should be able to squeeze an extra $1k a month to pay the mortgage.
Speaking of poker, a reporter came and interviewed me and friends at our weekly game. The article was published in sunday's front page of the metro section in the AJC. It starts with me but she soooooo mis-quoted me and made me look like an addicted fiend. While in reality it is quite the opposite. I can play or quit at will and I can make soooooo much money. But it's a great feeling to be in the newspaper. Hopefully it'll be the beginning of my fame cause next year when I go to the WSOP my face will be all over national tv.
I've been going out with girls a lot this semester. I always say I don't want a girlfriend but I really don't know anymore because like you can go out with a girl and like her and know that she can see some other dude the very next night and you technically have no say in it. But then again, it's cool to hang out with diff people and not have to talk on the dreaded phone every night. Oh yeah I also realized that you shouldn't just try to get laid, there's like another part of companionship that you'll miss out on...I think it's called feelings and emotions or somethin...who knows
I move in the condo next month. I am so excited...
One final thing, I bought an ipod mini... =)
I lie, I wait
I stop, I hesitate
I am, I breathe
I meant, I think of me
Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found peace through you?
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned
Turn away from light
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough
I taste, I love
I come, I bleed enough
I hate, I'm not
I was, I want too much
Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found peace through you?
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned
Turn away from light
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch |
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| Risks |
[Mar. 15th, 2005|04:00 am] |
Some people never take risks in life. They see risk and run the other way. They like to feel secure and safe, they would rather stagnate in mediocrity than to take a chance and hit it big. Well there are people who are just the opposite. People like me. All I ever want to do is take risks. I don't know why. Gambling is bad. Let me make this clear, gambling in nature is a bad thing, gambling to win money for living expenses is even worse. The only way gambling should be tolerated is if it is excercised in a sport sense. For instance, if I am a multi-millionaire and I enjoy placing $10k bets on football games, that is gambling but rather or not I win or lose isn't important. Its entertainment value is what counts. But anything less than that is just bad and often dangerous.
My problem is that I don't even have any money, nor a job, nor a college degree, but all that occupies my mind are vast riches and greatness, lifestyles that I cannot currently or probably ever have. Why can't I accept this like most people and just go on. I daydream way too much and fantasize about ridiculously greedy things when I should focus on whats important. Important matter such as school, family, friends, and honestly looking for a soulmate.
But this is not to be, I can't change who I am. I'm a small-timer with big dreams. The success rate isn't high. What am I to do? If taking risks, rather it's with money or real estate or mere words defines me then should I not be content and resist the urge to change? Maybe I choose this path because it makes me happy. In poker they say that in the first few seconds of a crucial decision, your gut instinct is always right; it's when you think too long that you outhink yourself and second guess your sharp instincts. Well maybe my instincts about my current lifestyle are right, maybe always taking risks while other people remain "normal" will eventually lead to everything I ever wanted.
The world's greatest achievements and discoveries have been accomplished through taking large and often dangerous chances. But then again, think about all the risks that resulted in failure, in death, an infinity amount that you never hear about. So to me, it boils down to an all or nothing attitude. Do or die. Get a safe job and be normal or take entreprenuer risk and accept the possibility of bankruptcy and embarassment.
I think I've answered my own question by the time I have finished writing this. I would rather die than to be normal. I would rather be bankrupted than be middle class. I don't believe in god so I have one life to live and nothing thereafter. I need to make the absolute most of it or die trying, because in the end, that's the common fate of all anyway. |
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| Chapter I |
[May. 7th, 2004|02:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I went to the mall today and saw Usher. He is really famous and rich. I am jealous, I wish I were famous and rich. I find that most people, especially liberal hippies, tend to become envious of famous/rich/accomplished people. It is my belief that such people are jealous out of a natural psychological reaction as a defensive mechanism.
The concept is simple, someone is better than you at something, instead of admiring and possibly aspiring to beat him, you express discontent for his trade/skill/accomplishment in hopes of justifying your inadequacies in that field. For example, Bob is a great basketball player, instead of acknowledging Bob's talents and practicing to defeat him, you refute Bob's skills and state that the sport of basketball is stupid. This is a negative defensive attack to shield yourself from reality. Some people refuse to ask out a girl for fear of rejection, now of course rejection is a disheartening thing for anyone, but it doesn't mean you should just quit. Unfortunately, most people will utilize the defensive mechanism of "I don't think she is pretty anymore" as an excuse. The fact that you don't think she's pretty anymore seems to detract from the failure and thus preserving the self-esteem.
In summary, regarding everything you aren't good at as stupid or worthless will never lead you far in life. I find that most people I know fall into this unfortunate category. I can recall instances where a friend would get angry and quit playing a video game because he was new and unsuccessful at it. I on the other hand enjoy losing and learning from my mistakes. I do not experience hurt feelings and lose self-esteem from such situations. In fact, it's great motivation. Similarly, I do not get jealous of people, I either acknowledge their positive attributes or temporarily accept them and work very hard to become better than they are.
Sadly, it is deep american custom to find short and easy routes out of such situations. It is simply much easier to "hate" on someone then to admit they are better than you. The hit to self-esteem, is far too much to bear. While many people may deny being guilty of this, the actions are subliminal and evidence is plenty. I am actually glad that most americans are like this, it is most beneficial to me and others who share my logic. I can see advantageous openings in the business world for people who aren't afraid to "feel stupid" or fail, these people will just work harder and use past failures as fuel to eventually succeed at the utmost level. Meanwhile, the self-conscious hippies who refuse to take chances and endanger their self-esteem will forever stagnate in their rat race maze of life.
Just think, do you really want to live a life in which you regard everything you are not good at as stupid and unimportant? That would be one boring ignorant life. Other people deserve their props, acknowledging their strengths do not diminish your manhood. The sooner people realize this, then the sooner they will become competent humans beings instead of wonderless hippies. |
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